Thursday, September 17, 2009
Take me Back
Take me back. Take me back to the times before cold shoulders. Take me back to that amazing concert, with a rush that would wake the dead. Take me back to the purity of being young. Take me back to that ultimate high, where nothing could bring me down. Take me back to the time when our eyes first locked. It pushes me forward.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
A little deep. A little trauma.
Its amazing how significant one moment in your life is. How it can shape you to be who you are years down the road. That one moment in your life could make or break you. It could embrace you or completly change you. It could be meeting someone, it could be losing someone. Latley I've been thinking about this a lot, because it affects me every day... at least for now.
It was the last day of summer before I went into my first year of high school. My friends all promised we would hang out and not waste our last day of childhood. So they called me and they were all at one house and told me they'd call me when they had figured out something to do. A little odd that they wouldn't invite me over to help figure out what to do, or at least stay on the phone with me a little more then 30 seconds, but whatever. I was an easy going kid. My mom would nag me to clean my room, but I told myself that I would not spend the last day of summer cleaning. So I waited by the phone and an hour past. I called them and asked what was going down, but they still hadn't decided anything, but they would call me if anything changed. I waited by the phone for another hour and called back, but they wern't there. A mom told me they had moved to another house. So I called there and told me that they got bored of figureing out what to do there and moved to this house because they could at least figure out what to do while swimming. Still, they didn't invite me over, they didn't keep me on the phone to discuss, they just assured me they would call me when they had figured out something to do. Well, they assured me, what else was I to do. I watched a movie, kept the phone line free, and waited. Hours later, I ate dinner, watched more TV, and gave up. I was about to go to bed when I figured I would check facebook. Thats when I saw it, on my news feed, a picture. The picture was from that day with every single one of my tight nit group of friends, and even some other people that we wern't that close with, out to dinner. Celebrating, toasting, all smiling and looking at the camera. I was devestated.
The next day at school was a big orientation assembly with all the grade 9s. They all smiled, called me over to sit with them, and were chatting away. I wanted to ask them about it, but I didn't want to start off my first day of high school that way. I regret that so much. Not confronting them about it. Everyday I think about the what ifs, and what it would be like now. I tried to push it into the back of my memory, but it has changed my life so much. I know its just one little instance, but it hurt. Even now I am so paranoid and I get so upset when people have get-togthers and hangouts that I think that they don't like me anymore and are trying to get rid of me, to abandon me. That moment was the beginning of me doubting myself in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to deal with it in a million different ways, I've changed the way I look and act, I've forced myself to start and stop doing things, but for now, it will always be in my memory, and it feels good to finally let it out.
It was the last day of summer before I went into my first year of high school. My friends all promised we would hang out and not waste our last day of childhood. So they called me and they were all at one house and told me they'd call me when they had figured out something to do. A little odd that they wouldn't invite me over to help figure out what to do, or at least stay on the phone with me a little more then 30 seconds, but whatever. I was an easy going kid. My mom would nag me to clean my room, but I told myself that I would not spend the last day of summer cleaning. So I waited by the phone and an hour past. I called them and asked what was going down, but they still hadn't decided anything, but they would call me if anything changed. I waited by the phone for another hour and called back, but they wern't there. A mom told me they had moved to another house. So I called there and told me that they got bored of figureing out what to do there and moved to this house because they could at least figure out what to do while swimming. Still, they didn't invite me over, they didn't keep me on the phone to discuss, they just assured me they would call me when they had figured out something to do. Well, they assured me, what else was I to do. I watched a movie, kept the phone line free, and waited. Hours later, I ate dinner, watched more TV, and gave up. I was about to go to bed when I figured I would check facebook. Thats when I saw it, on my news feed, a picture. The picture was from that day with every single one of my tight nit group of friends, and even some other people that we wern't that close with, out to dinner. Celebrating, toasting, all smiling and looking at the camera. I was devestated.
The next day at school was a big orientation assembly with all the grade 9s. They all smiled, called me over to sit with them, and were chatting away. I wanted to ask them about it, but I didn't want to start off my first day of high school that way. I regret that so much. Not confronting them about it. Everyday I think about the what ifs, and what it would be like now. I tried to push it into the back of my memory, but it has changed my life so much. I know its just one little instance, but it hurt. Even now I am so paranoid and I get so upset when people have get-togthers and hangouts that I think that they don't like me anymore and are trying to get rid of me, to abandon me. That moment was the beginning of me doubting myself in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to deal with it in a million different ways, I've changed the way I look and act, I've forced myself to start and stop doing things, but for now, it will always be in my memory, and it feels good to finally let it out.
First Week.
New locker. New cute guys near your locker. New kids looking up to you. New Grade. New Wardrobe. New classes. New Friends. New make up. New hobbies. New Cell Phone. New wake-up time. New Bedroom. New books. New confidence. New Doubts. New Self-Consiousness.
Losing Friends. Losing Confidence. Losing cell phones. Losing papers. Losing respect. Losing games. Losing cash. Losing yourself.
Losing Friends. Losing Confidence. Losing cell phones. Losing papers. Losing respect. Losing games. Losing cash. Losing yourself.
Its Been a While.
And I apologise. It has been a busy one. (one what you may say? I'll leave that to your imagination.
Heres a little overview of my summer:
I attended some amazing concerts, and saw some amazing bands, including Rise Against, Billy Talent, Green Day, The Bravery, AFI, Blink 182, Rancid, The Arkells, The Johnstones, Alexisonfire, Chester French, Taking Back Sunday, ohh and so much more.
I had the pleasure of attending Manhattan for a few days, and it was amazing. The lights, the people, the crime, it makes me want to live there. However the air there is so polluted, I had a sore throat for weeks afterwords. Or maybe it was from the concert, who knows.
Work Work Work. Throughout the summer I worked 5-6 days a week. Which isn't a bad thing, as I work at night so that can leave me to hang out with people during the day.
As for hanging out, nothing really special, except that I learned a lot about the people that say "oh hangouts everyday this summer" in your yearbook and you end up not seeing them till school.
hmp.
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